Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
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[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?