My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
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coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Happy thanksgiving!
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel