Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
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Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
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They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
this is what they would have looked like, though
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.