*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
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They must have gotten it to go.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*