Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
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Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
#oldknees
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
$4 #usedbooks
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
no one ever comes back
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.