ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
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Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
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