[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
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Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
😅😅😅
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes