“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
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Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock