There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
You Might Also Like
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”