Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
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You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.