villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
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When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
The prophecy is fulfilled
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable