I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
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Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.