Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
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what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
decorating my apartment
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.