ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
You Might Also Like
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle