*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
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Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on