“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
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ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
United Steaks of America
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
RT if you could go either way.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.