I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
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Made something I’m not proud of
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
R.I.P.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.