Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
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Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped