One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
You Might Also Like
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better