Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The prophecy is fulfilled
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Delightful if true: booby trap.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?