1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
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When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.