When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
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Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball