I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
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I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
what the
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal