Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
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This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Where’s my employee discount too?
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?