*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
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Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy