Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Tremendous stuff
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
This classic never gets old . . .
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar