Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
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I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Education is vital
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
How I like cutting carbs
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?