genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
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i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
new career option?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Sticker placement is key.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again