700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
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Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Breaking news:
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life