I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
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2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
thanks auntie mary
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Breakfast for Stoners:
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.