(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard