my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
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It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
A comma is just a period with a mullet.