Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
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Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Yup
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.