I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
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A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
When someone says you are so lazy
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Love is always patient and kind.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…