Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
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No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Alexa: *deep breath*
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband: