If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
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i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined