Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
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Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?