I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
You Might Also Like
When I laugh on my period
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I beg your pardon?
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.