I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
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They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.