I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
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This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock