I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
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“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Heroic Misunderstanding
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Thursday Thought.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
…..pretty much.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how