It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
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Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I’m giving up ice.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan