“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
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It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
this post was so formative to me
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)