A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
You Might Also Like
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Muppet Screams
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.