My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
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*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
She: I like Cats
He:
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
The prophecy is fulfilled