wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
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When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Who knew!
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.