I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
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mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting