“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
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[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup