I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
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Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”