Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
courtroom exchange of the day
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”